DENISON'S ACTING PLAY 

r Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catali 



DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 

M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, 2% hrs (35c) 8 8 

Abbu San of Old Japan, 2 arts. 

2 hrs (35c) 15 

After the Game, 2 acts, 1% 

hrs (25c) 1 9 

All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(35c) 4 4 

All on Account of Polly, 3 acts, 

254 hrs (35c) 6 10 

And Home Came Ted, 3 acts, 

2% hrs (50c) 6 6 

Arizona Cowboy, 4 acts, 254 

hrs (35c) 7 5 

Assisted by Sadie, 4 acts, 2 l / 2 

hrs (50c) 6 6 

As a Wonian Thinketh, 3 acts, 

2y 2 hrs (35c) 9 7 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, 2]/ A hrs (35c) 6 14 

Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 9 3 

Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, 1^4 hrs. 

(25c) 17 

Boy Scouts' Good Turn, 3 acts, 

13,4 hrs (25c) 16 2 

Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2%. 

hrs (25c) 7 3 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2% h. (25c) 7 4 
Call of the Colors, 2 acts, 154 

hrs (25c) 4 10 

Call of Wohelo, 3 acts, 1U 

hrs. (25c) 10 

Camouflage of Shirley, 3 acts, 

2J4 hrs (35c) 8 10. 

Civil Service, 3 acts, 2% hrs. 

(35c) 6 5 

College Town, 3 acts, 254 

hrs (35c) 9 8 

Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 2% hrs. 

(35c) 5 5 

Deacon Entangled, 3 acts, 2 hrs. * 

(35c) 6 4 

Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2^ 

hrs (25c) 8 4 

Dream That Came True, 3 

acts, 214 hrs (35c) 6 13 

Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr (25c) 10 

Enchanted Wood, 1# h (35c).Optnl. 
Everyyouth, 3 acts, 154 h. (25c) 7 6 
Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 

hrs. (25c) 4 4 

For the Love of Johnnv, 3 

acts, 254 hrs. (50c) 6 3 

Fun on the Podunk Limited. 

1% hrs (30c) 9 14 

Gettin' Acquainted, 25 min. 

(35c) 1 2 

Her Honor, the Mayor, 3 act?. 

2 hrs > (35c) 3 5 




8 6 



High School Freshman, , 

2 hrs 

Indian Days, 1 hr. . 

In Plum Valley, 4 a< J 

hrs _„ 

Jayville Junction, iy 2 hrs 
Kicked Out of College, " 

2% hrs 

Kingdom of Heart's Contj 

acts, 2Ya hrs 

Laughing Cure, 2 acts, l£ 

(35c) 4 5 

Lighthouse Nan, 3 acts, 254 

hrs (35c) 5 4 

Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2 54 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Little Clodhopper, 3 acts, 2 

hrs ...(35c) 3 4 

Mirandy's Minstrels. . . . (30c) Optnl. 
Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytovvn, 3 

acts, 254 hrs (35c) 4 7 

My Irish Rose, 3 acts, 254 hrs. 

(35c) 6 6 

Old Maid's Club, 154 hrs. (30c) 2 16 
Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 

hrs v (25c) 

Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 

1J4 hrs (30c) 12 9 

On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 

2%. hrs (25c) 10 4 

Poor Married Man, 3 acts, 2 

hrs ...(35c) 4 4 

Prairie Rose. 4 acts, 254 h. (35c) 7 4 
Real Thing After All, 3 acts, 

254 hrs (35c) 7 9 

Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 2^4 

hrs .(35c) 10 12 

Ruth in a Rush, 3 acts, 254 

hrs. (35c) 5 7 

Safety First, 3 acts, 

254 hrs (35c) 5 5 

Southern Cinderella, 3 acts. 2 

hrs. . . (30cJ 7 

Spark of Life, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 4 4 

Spell of the Image, 3 acts, 2 54 

hrs (35c) 10 10 

Star Bright, 3 acts, 254 h. (35c) 6 5 
Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 6 4 

Thread of Destiny, 3 acts, 254 

hrs (35c) 9 16 

Tonv, the Convict, 5 acts, 2*4 

hrs (25c) 7. 4 

Trial of Hearts, 4 acts, 254 hrs. 

(35c) 6 18 

Trip to Storyiand, 1 54 hrs.(25c) 17 23 
Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 254 hrs. (25c) 8 3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts. 2 

hrs (35c) 7 10 

When Smith Stepped Ouu 3 

acts, 2 hrs (50c) 4 4 

Whose Little Bride Are You? 

3 acts, 254 hrs (50c) 5 5 

Winning Widow, 2 acts, 154 hrs. 

(25c) 2 4 



T.S.DENISON&COMPANY,Publishers 623 S.Wabash Ave., Chicago 



FU'ST AID TO CUPID 

OR 

THE SHAM DOCTOR 



A MINSTREL ABSURDITY 



BY 

WADE STRATTON 

AUTHOR OF 

"Almost An Actor," "An Awful Appetite" "The Barber's Bride" 

"A Burnt Cork Barrage" "Cash Money," "Hitting the 

African Harp," "Kiss Me, Camille!" "When 

Cork is King," Etc. 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



FU'ST AID TO CUPID . ^ 



= ■:,■ 



Vr 



CHARACTERS. 

Willie Watt Alias Dr. Bugg 

Julius Jazbo Jaxon A Suitor Outa Luck 

Bolivar Brown A Sickly OV Critter 

Liza A Near-French Maid 

Rosy Brown Bolivar's Blushin' Baby 

Scene — Up to Rosy's House. 

Place — In Swell Mahogany Circles. 

Time — Springtime, Mos' Likely. 

Time of Playing — About Twenty Minutes. 



Notice. — Production of this sketch is free to amateurs, but the 
sole professional rights are controlled by the author, who may be 
addressed in care of the publishers. 



COPYRIGHT, 1921, BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY. 

OCT 10 192! 

2 
©CI.D 59022 



FU'ST AID TO CUPID 



TYPES AND COSTUMES. 



All the characters are darkies. The women characters 
are to be played by men. All may make up black with burnt 
cork if it is not desired to use grease paints for "high 
brown" complexions. 

Willie — A coal-black colored man, tall, thin and hungry- 
looking. Has general air of dilapidation. Wears misfit 
clothes ; short, tight pants ; white socks ; black low shoes 
that are too large; broken derby hat; plain negro wig. 

Julius — A "high-yaller" darky, somewhat undersized. 
Wears flashy clothes of ridiculous elegance. Gaudy neck- 
scarf, silk shirt, vest and socks, of colors that clash ; plenty 
of jewelry; cane; brown derby hat; plain negro wig, or has 
straight black hair. 

Bolivar — Aged negro, with dark brown make-up. Feeble 
and irascible. Wears -dressing gown and house slippers. 
Uncle Tom wig. 

Liza — A black negress. Wears burlesque adaptation of 
French maid costume with white apron and cap; "fuzzy- 
wuzzy" wig. 

Rosy — A great big "yaller gal" of the super-romantic 
type. Wears loud dress burlesquing current fashions, and 
made in bright colors ; Topsy wig.. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage; C, center; R. C, right center; 
L., left ; U. E., upper entrance ; R. D., right door ; L. D., left 
door, etc. ; D. F., door in flat or back of the stage ; up stage, 
away from footlights; down stage, near footlights. The 
actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 



FU'ST AID TO CUPID 



Scene : A garden. Set house or cottage, or porch, with 
practical door, up R. Bench down L. Other stage properties 
for garden set ad lib. (Note: // scenery is not available, 
this sketch may be played on any platform, with a few 
branches, palms or ferns distributed about to suggest an 
exterior.) 

At rise, Rosy stands down L., looking off, as though try- 
ing to spy someone. Bolivar enters from house, with a 
long blacksnake whip in his hand, and glares at her. 

Bolivar. Rosy! (No answer.) Rosy! (No answer.) 
Dawg-gone that gal, she kin pestifterate mah animosity jest 
so far! (Cracks zvhip at her.) Rosj ! 

Rosy (turns and sees him). Hello, paw. Is it you? 

Bolivar (mocking). Hello, paw, is it me? I reckon you 
'spect somebody else ; maybe that low-down, ornery Julius 
Jazbo Jaxon, huh? Is you 'spectin' him, huh? (Brandishes 
whip menacingly.) Is you? 

Rosy. No, paw. I ain't 'spectin' nobody only my own 
sweet pappy. 

Bolivar. Then git inside an' 'spect me thah. (Points to 
house.) I don't suspect you outen my sight. 

Rosy. Paw, what you gwine do wiv that mule-skinneh ? 

Bolivar. Gwine skin a big black jassack name Julius 
Jazbo Jaxon, that's what I gwine. 

Rosy (pleading). Oh, paw! Don't you lay no hand on 
mah Julius Jazbo Jaxon, mah lovin' man, mah sweet pa- 
tooty. 

Bolivar. Gal, dry up yo' face an' beat it hence, 5 fo' I 
gives you what I got saved up fo' Julius Jazbo Jaxon, yo' 
sweet patooty. (Points to house.) Git in the house, while 
yo' got yo' health ! 

Rosy. But paw — I loves mah Julius. 
4 



ITU SI Ail) '!(; L LP ID 5 

Bolivar (sternly). No child of mine kin eveh gic obnox- 
ious with a sweet patooty. (Threatens with whip.) Git 
out, befo' 1 fo'gets to lose mah temper ! 

Rosy (weeping). Paw, you is breakin' mah innocent 
young heart. 

Bolivar. You is lucky I ain't broke yo' innocent young- 
wishbone. 

Rosy (weeping). You is too rough with yo' HT baby 
Rosy. 

Bolivar (penitently). Fo'give me, HT baby Rosy. It's 
mah misery what makes me peevish-like. Will yo' fo'give 
yo' ol' black pappy? 

Rosy (stroking his cheek). Yes. paw — if you'll let me 
marry mah sweet patooty. 

Bolivar (furiously) . 'What? How come you make talk- 
about that no-'count niggeh again? I'll- 1 — I'll — (Brandishes 
whip.) 

Rosy (snatching whip from him). You'll run fo' yo ? life, 
that's what you'll do, or they'll be a big black jassack 
skinned, but you won't do the skinnin' ! (Cracks whip at 
Bolivar, who runs, yelling, into the house, pursued by 
Rosy.) 

Willie enlers down L., as Rosy snatches the whip, and 
watches the rumpus with much interest. 

Willie (watching them go). Fire in the mountain — run, 
gal, run! Oh, mamma, bet yo' money on the sorrel mare! 
This ain't no quiet place fo' a 'spectable cullud gentleman. 
On yo' way, Willyum, on yo' way. (Starts to go.) 

Liza enters from house. 

Willie (seeing her). Mamma, wash the suppeh dishes, 
I won't be home till late. (Sits on bench.) 

Liza. Black man, who is you? 

Willie. Black baby, I is a wanderin' wagabond, with- 
out wim, wigor, witality or wittles. When does we eat? 

Liza. What you doin' hyah ? 

Willie. Coolin' mah feet. 

Liza. Is you lookin' fo' a job? 



6 FU'ST AID TO CUPID 

Willie. Say "job" to me an' mah feet is done cooled. 
Ah is lookin' fo' a square meal. 

Liza. We don't 'low no bums around hyah. 

Willie. Has you folks got a dog? 

Liza. Is you fond of dogs? 

Willie. No, but dogs is pow'ful fond of me. Look at 
mah pants! Who is you? 

Liza. I works fo' Miss Rosy Bolivar. I is her French 
maid. 

Willie. You is which? 

Liza. French maid. 

Willie. You looks to me mo' like Alabama made, gal. 
Kin you talk French talk? 

Liza. Sure I kin. Kin you? 

Willie. Jes' watch me. Bon joor, mamselle, promenade, 
oo-la-la, sweet patooty. (With bum French accent). Come 
on, gal, now show me kin you shake a mean accent. Say, 
"we, we, m'soor." 

Liza. That ain't what I says. 

Willie. What does you say, French maid? 

Liza (snapping fingers at him). Poo-poo fo' you. 
(Quick exit, laughing, into house.) 

Willie (sadly, to himself, snapping fingers). Poo-poo 
f o' you ! Poo-poo f o' you ! 

Enter Julius down L. 

Julius (suspi cio usly). Who you poo-poo-in', niggeh ? 

Willie (surprised). Huh? 

Julius (threateningly). Is you poo-poo-in' me? 

Willie. I don't poo-poo nobody but mah friends. Me 
an' you is strangehs. 

Julius. How come you dallyin' 'round mah Rosy's house. 
Niggeh, what's yo' name? 

Willie. Willie. 

Julius (sarcastically). Willie! That ain't no healthy 
name fo' a coon. 

Willie. I ain't a healthy coon. Mah stomach ain't had 
a day's work since — (mention recent local happening). 

Julius. Well, Willie, what's yo' full name? 



FU'ST AID TO CUPID 7 

Willie. Neveh heerd of a full name fo' a empty niggeh. 

Julius. I mean, what is yo' complete name? Yo' last 
name ? 

Willie. Mah name been Willie, fu'st an' last, since mah 
ma gimme it. 

Julius. You black bucket of coal tar, I means all of yo' 
name. Willie what? 

Willie. Da's right. Willie Watt. 

Julius. Well, Willie, what's yo' last name? 

Willie. Watt's mah last name. 

Julius. What ? 

Willie. Watt. 

Julius. What is? 

Willie. Watt is. 

Julius. Don't you git obstroperous with me, boy ! Why 
don't you answer? What's yo' last name? 

Willie. Why don't you listen? Watt's mah last name. 

Julius. You big black bonehead, ain't you got no sense ? 
Now listen. Yo' last name is what? 

Willie. Mah last name is Watt. 

Julius. That's what I axed you. 

Willie. That's what I done tol' you. 

Julius (frantic). Yo' name is Willie — what? 

Willie. I ain't argufyin'. My name is Willie W r att. 

Julius (drawing razor). Boy, you is got only one mo' 
chance left. Tell me, an' tell me quick! 

Willie. Mah last name is Watt. 

Julius (brandishing razor). Come on, spill it! 

Willie. Spell it? Why didn't you ax me to spell it 
befo'? W-I-L-L-I-E, Willie; W-A-T-T, Watt. 

Julius (understanding). Qh, yo' name is Watt? 

Willie. Don't you ax me no mo'. I'm sick o' dis game. 

Julius. I says I undehstands. Yo' name is Willie Watt 
—W-A-T-T. 

Willie. Da's right. W-A-tweet-tweet. The last "tweet" 
is silent, as in cuckoo. 

Julius (angry again). Who's a cuckoo? 



8 FU'ST AID TO CUPID 

Willie. Man, oh man, but you sure is peevish. You 
is as touch-me-not as poison ivy. 

Julius. Don't you get keerless with yo' language when 
you talks to Julius Jazbo Jaxon. 

Willie. Julius Jazbo Jaxon! Is you him? 

Julius. What if I is? 

Willie. Oh, sweet patooty ! 

Julius. Who's a sweet patooty? 

Willie. You is. 

Julius. Who says I is? 

Willie. Rosy, she says you is. 

Julius. Then I reckon mebbe I is. Whar she at? 

Willie (pointing). In the house. (Julius starts toward 
house. Willie extends his hand warningly.) Hesitate, O 
brotheh ! You is rushin' headlong to death an' destruction. 

(Terrible commotion off-stage, loud crashes, and Bolivai. 
yelling.) 

Julius. Her ol' man ! I reckonize his peevish vocab- 
alary. 

Willie. Man, you betteh 'vaporate o' you won't recko- 
nize nothin'. He's atteh you with a mule-skinneh. 

Julius. Atteh me ? 

Willie. Leave him ketch you hangin' roun' hyah, an' 
he gwine amputate the mundane kayreer of HT Rosy's sweet 
patooty. 

(Bolivar's yelling bursts out afresh. Julius, hides be- 
hind bench.) 

Liza enters excitedly from house. 

Liza (seeing Willie). Say, you. 

Willie (with extravagant bow). Wee-wee, Marie. 

Liza. Ol' Man Brown done been tuk with his misery. 
He's cuttin' up sump'm scan'lous. Run down street an' 
fetch a doctor. 

Willie. When I gits a doctor, does I eat? 

Liza. Hurry! (Quick exit into house.) 

Willie (checking off on his fingers). I gits him, I gits 
him not ; I gits him, I gits him not. 



FU'ST AID TO CUPID 9 . 

Liza pokes her head out of door. 

Liza. Hurry! (Exit.) 

Willie. I gits him. (Starts shuffling away toward L.) 

Julius (rising from behind bench). You gits him not! 

Willie. I gits him. 

Julius. You gits him not. 

Willie. Who says I gits him not? 

Julius. Ten dollahs says you gits him not. (Shows 
stage money.) 

Willie. Ten dollahs refuseth to be argued with. Who 
has I got to murder ? 

Julius. Nobody. Jes' tell 'em that the doctor is comin' 
right smart, and then come along with me. 

Willie. How you know the doctor comin' ? 

Julius (flourishing money under Willie's nose). Heed 
yo' masteh's voice. 

Willie (going to Jiouse and knocking at door, which 
is opened by Liza). Doctor comin' right smart, French 
maid. (Business of bowing and acting polite.) 

Liza. Thanks, Misteh. (Smiling.) Now you come 
'round to the kitchen do' an' I'll give you a nice plate o' 
stewed chicken an' gravy. (Exit, closing door.) 

Willie. Stewed chicken an' gravy ! Man, oh man ! I 
alius did like them French mamselles ! (Starts hastily up 
R. as if to go around to back of house.) 

Julius (jumping after him and grabbing his collar).' 
Stop! 

Willie. Hang off o' me, niggeh. 

Julius. I says stop. 

Willie. You says stop, but stewed chicken an' gravy 
says hurry, an' I kain't hear you a-tall. (Slips out of coat, 
which he leaves in Julius' hands and again starts, R.) 

Julius (jumping around in front of him and pulling 
razor). Maybe stewed chicken and gravy says hurry, but 
razzah says let yo' conscience be yo' guide. You got wuk 
to do. 

Willie. Wuk? I done it. 



10 FU'ST AID TO CUPID 

Julius. You only jes* stahted it. Ten dollahs comin' to 
you, black boy. 

Willie. Stewed chicken an' gravy goin' away from me, 
yaller boy. (Bolivar's yelling is resumed.) 

Julius. Let's go. (Exit, dragging Willie with him, 
down R.) 

Enter Bolivar from house, supported on either side by 
Rosy and Liza. He has a rag tied around his head, and acts 
very weak, but his "misery" does not impair his voice. 

Bolivar (shouting). Don't tech me, gal, don't tech me! 
(Rosy and Liza release him). Does you want to leave me 
lay right down an' kick the bucket ? Grab me quick ! ( They 
start to aid him.) Take yo' hands off o' me ! (Plaintively.) 
Oh, mah misery, mah misery ! 

Rosy. Set down, paw, an' rest yo' feet. 
(They get him to the bench.) 

Bolivar (angrily). 'Tain't in mah feet that mah misery 
is at ! (Sadly.) Oh, this hyah misery will sho' be the death 
of me, if I lives long enough! (Peevishly.) Why don't 
that of doctor come? 

Enter Julius and Willie during the last speech, down 
R. They are unobserved by the others. Willie is (( dis- 
guised" with a plug hat, a threadbare frock coat, and a pair 
of horn-rim spectacles. He carries a handbag. Julius 
points to Bolivar and motions Willie to go to him, then 
exits. 

Rosy (seeing Willie). Oh, hyah's the doctor, paw. 

Bolivar (to Willie). Is you the doctor? 

Willie. Yassuh; reckon I is. 
(Liza looks at Willie, puzzled, and scratches her head.) 

Willie. Whar's the patient? 

Bolivar (peevishly). Hurry up, niggeh. Hyah I is, 
hyah I is. 

Willie. Boss, fo' a patient you is mighty impatient. 
(Drops handbag, which falls zvith a crash.) 

Bolivar (startled)-. What's that? 



FU'ST AID TO CUPID 11 

Willie. That's mah tools, boss. Lemme see yo' tongue. 

Bolivar (drawing away). You ain't gwine — operate — is 
you? 

Willie. Lemme see yo' tongue ! (Pries Bolivar's mouth 
open and looks in it.) Pretty old critter. M-m. Bad; 
mighty bad. 

Bolivar (frightened) . Is you gwine cut me open? 

Willie. Mighty bad case o' misery. Ain't jest certain 
yit whether I'll operate — or blast. 

Liza (to Willie). Lemme have yo' hat — Mistah Doctor. 
(Winks wisely at him.) 

(Willie removes his hat, takes from it a tin can labeled 
"EITHER" and hands hat to her.) 

Rosy (to Willie). Oh, doctor, is it ketchin'? 

Willie. Kain't tell yit. He may live fo' several days. 
(Business by Bolivar.) What am the symptoms? 

Rosy. He was took very suddenly. 

Willie. That's the way mah brother Sam was took to 
jail fo' chicken stealin' — suddenly. 

Bolivar. Well, well, hurry up, niggeh ! 

Willie (scratching his head). What does 1 do next? 

Rosy. Why don't you feel his pulse ? 

Willie. Good idea. (Grabs Bolivar's ankle and takes 
out watch, then realizes his mistake and drops ankle and 
seizes wrist. Bolivar yells as foot falls. Willie takes a 
weather thermometer from his pocket and puts it in 
Bolivar's mouth. Takes out magnifying glass and pre- 
tends to look into Bolivar's ear.) 

Rosy. Oh, doctor, is it serious? 

Willie. Thought it was brain fever, but reckon that's 
impossible. Kain't see no brains. (Takes thermometer 
from Bolivar's mouth and looks at it.) Hm, ninety-nine 
in the shade. 'Tain't so much the heat as it is the humidity. 

Rosy. Will he git well? 

Willie. Not necessarily. The oblongosity of his medulla 
is exasperated by the periphery of his antediluvian hydro- 
phobia, which indicates a condition of extreme antipathy as 
regards the vox populi, an' — an' — well, that's how he is. 



12 FU'ST AID TO CUPID 

Bolivar. What you talkin' about, man? 

Willie. 01' gent, shut up, or they'll be singin' soft 
music in yo' front parlor, an' you won't hear it. (Aside to 
Rosy.) I ain't no doctor. I come from Julius. • 

Rosy (excited). Julius Jazbo Jaxon? 

Willie. Yo' sweet patooty. An' I got a letter fo' you. 
(Looks tozvard Bolivar.) 

Rosy (eagerly). A letter? Gimme it! 

Willie. Yo' ol' man might ketch us. (Aloud to Liza.) 
Young woman. Assist the workin's of genius. Hand me 
mah skitchel. (Liza gives him the handbag.) Now, ol' gent, 
I will fix yo' a description that is guaranteed to kill or 
cure. 

Bolivar. I don't want to git killed. 

Willie. Well, maybe you'll git cured. You never can 
tell. (Takes out from bag tin pan and several bottles, etc. 
Gives Liza pan to hold. Pours several liquids into pan, and 
Liza holds her nose. Shakes pepper-shaker over pan, and 
Bolivar sneezes. Mixes mess with tin spoon.) 

Rosy (aside to Willie). The letter! Whar's the letter? 

Willie (aside to her). In mah hat. 

(Rosy gets letter out of hat and exits down R.) 

Bolivar. Whar my Rosy gone? 

Willie. Gone to stew yo' description on the fire. 

Bolivar. You got mah description thar in the kittle. 

Willie. She gone to the pump fo' some water. This 
hyah description is mighty strong fo' a ol' man. (Willie, 
Liza and Bolivar all sneeze at once.) 

Bolivar. Strong ! Ah'll say it is. What you got in that 
kittle, niggeh? Skunk oil? 

Willie. Has you got a rabbit's foot? 

Bolivar. Yes, I is. Why? 

Willie. Then you has got one chance in a thousand to 
recoveh. 

Bolivar. Has I got to drink what you got in that kittle ? 

Willie. Cou'se you is. How you reckon yo' gwine to 
circumnavigate the dustygustics of yo' whangdoodle if you 
don't irrigate yo' esophogus? 



FU'ST AID TO CUPID 13 

Bolivar. Maybe you looks like a doctor to some folks, 
but you looks to me like a bum. 

Willie. Git up off o' that bench ! 

Bolivar. Honest, doctor, I is a sick man. 

Willie. Listen hyah, you big black baboon. When I is 
diagnosin' a case I don't enjoy bein' consulted. Tha's all. 

Bolivar. W r hat you gwine do with mah misery? 

Willie (taking butcher knife and coil of rope from bag). 
Gal, jest set that noodle soup aside fo' to cool, an' we'll 
proceed with the serious part of this hyah operation. (Ap- 
proaches Bolivar.) 

Bolivar. Don't you lay yo' hands on me, niggeh ! (Draws 
razor and starts after Willie. Willie dodges around Liza, 
pursued by Bolivar.) 

Just as Bolivar is directly back of Liza, Julius and Rosy 
enter down R. Liza drops the pan, throws up her arms, 
screams and faints in Bolivar's arms. 

Bolivar (seeing them). Julius Jazbo Jaxon — an' mah 
Rosy. (To Liza.) Leave me loose, woman! Whar's mah 
mule-skinneh ? (Lets Liza slide to the floor and rushes 
around stage.) Whar's mah mule-skinneh? 

Willie. Clam yo'seff, ol' man, clam yo'seff ! 

Bolivar. Shet up, you flat-footed fool! Look what 
they done! (Points to Rosy and Julius.) 

Rosy (to Bolivar): Yo' forgiveness is all we asks. 

Liza (who has got up again). She only done like other 
gals does. (Exits into house up R.) 

Rosy. Yes, paw. I fell in love an' I got me married. 

Julius. Can you blame her, paw ? 

Bolivar. Fetch me mah gun till I shoots that doctor ! 

Willie. Ain't no doctor. If I was, I'd write me a de- 
scription an' we'd all git half shot. 

Bolivar. You ain't no doctor. Who is you? 

Enter Liza with a plate of food, from house. 
Willie. Jes' plain Willie Watt, a wanderin' wagabond 
without wim, wigor, witality or wittles. 



14 



FU'ST AID TO CUPID 



Bolivar. Niggeh, what's yo' business? 

Willie. Dunno. I reckon — (Liza hands him plate and 
he slips free arm around her waist.) I's jest fu'st aid to 
cupid. 

Liza (rests her head on his shoulder and looks at hi in 
soulfully). Oh, sweet patooty! 



Julius Rosy 



Positions. 
Willie Liza 



Bolivar 



Curtain 



DENISON'S 

MINSTREL OPENING CHORUSES 
AND FINALES 

By JEFF BRANEN 

Something new. A boon, especially to amateurs. 
Assure the success of your minstrel performance. 

Get your audience in a friendly mood, tingling with the warm 
glow of pleasure, from the opening curtain. Get away to a flying 
start and make a whirlwind finish, and your show will be pro- 
nounced a success, even though there may be some rough spots 
in between. Provide a relish at the beginning, make your inter- 
vening acts as good as your individual talent will permit and then 
leave your audience with a good taste in their mouths. Denison's 
Minstrel Opening Choruses and Finales are for the purpose of 
creating good first and last impressions. As such they are made 
to order and are as good as professionals ever used. 

No more will you have to follow the practice of relying for this 
all important work upon a novice who probably will throw together 
some stale choruses and call it an opening and perhaps may ask 
you to . close with a simple song which means nothing. Each 
Opening Chorus and Finale tells an original and interesting story 
and will instantly thaw the chilliest audience. Laughable, ar- 
tistic and in excellent taste. The finale of each chorus is a witty 
"thank you." 

NOW READY 

Number One For Blackface Minstrels 

Number Two For Whiteface Minstrels 

Number Three For Female Minstrels 

Number Four For Legion MJnstrels 

Piano Score, Words and Music. 

Price, Each Number, Postpaid, 75 Cents. 

Supplementing the vocal score, a special orchestration is fur- 
nished for each Denison's Minstrel Opening Chorus and Finale. 
It provides for eleven instruments including effective saxophone 
obbligatos, the latter being the final word in arrangements of 
this kind. The cost of the orchestration is extra, but is trivial 
compared with the expense of employing a local or special arranger. 

Eleven-Instrument Orchestration (No sets broken). 

Price, Each Number, Postpaid, $1.50 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

623 South Wabash Avenue, CHICAGO 



New Blackface Series 

For Minstrels and Vaudeville 
Price, 25 Cents Each, Postpaid 
THE AFRICAN GOLF CLUB.— Blackface farce, by Jeff Branen; 
10 males, 1 female. Time, 25 minutes. The rattle of the cubes, 
the burning of a neighboring- chicken coop and the tragic loss of 
the contraband "likker" combine to shatter the nerves of the dom- 
ino gallopers. But they do gallant rescue work. An ideal afterpiece. 
ALMOST AN ACTOR. — Coontown crossfire, by Wade Stratton; 

2 males. Time, 20 minutes. A seedy manager tries to initiate a 
station porter into the thespian art, but they find there is little 
inspiration when hunger gnaws. This skit crackles with fresh gags 
and comedy business. Both parts are rich. 

THE BATTLE OF ROARING-BULL.— A black and copper-colored 
massacre, by Jeff Branen; 11 or more males. Time, 30 minutes. 
Two wandering darkies fall into the clutches of a terrible red- 
skin tribe, with hair-raising results. Can be effectively elaborated 
with war-dance, etc., introducing entire minstrel troupe as an 
afterpiece. 

THE BLACK VAMP.— By Arthur Leroy Kaser; 2 males, 2 fe- 
males. Time, 15 minutes. Sam thought his wife didn't appreciate 
him, so he got his good friend Phil to impersonate a dusky vam- 
pire, to liven things up. He livened things up, all right. Chance 
for song and dance specialties. The female parts can be "doubled." 

CASH MONEY. — A minstrel spree for three, by Wade Stratton; 

3 males. Time, 20 minutes. Two travelers are forced to share a 
room in a fust-class cullud boa'din' house, with almost fatal re- 
sults. The handsome waiter is a factor in the mixup. Fine chance 
for comedian who plays banjo, ukulele or guitar. 

THE COON AT THE DOOR.— A black-and-white skit, by Jeff 
Branen; 3 males. Time, 20 minutes. The doctor's office boy fears 
the man at the door is his hated rival, and his efforts to evade a 
meeting are side-splitting. The white doctor blackens up and 
doubles as the mysterious coon. Specialties are to be introduced. 

A DARK SECRET.— Colored farce of mystery, by Jeff Branen; 

4 males, 1 female. Time, 30 minutes. This screaming story of 
the adventure of a negro detective and his dusky assistant has 
made thousands roar when presented on the professional stage, 
and is now available in print for the first time. 

FU'ST AID TO CUPID.— Minstrel absurdity, by Wade Stratton; 
3 males, 2 females. Time, 20 minutes. Willie, a wandering waga- 
bond without wim, wigor, witality or wittles, who poses as a "mis- 
ery specialist" to aid the course of true love, will bring down the 
house. A welcome modern adaptation of the sham doctor theme. 

HITTING THE AFRICAN HARP.— Blackface skit for a banjo 
duo, by Wade Stratton; 2 males. Time, 15 minutes, or according 
to specialties. Written as a vehicle for a banjo playing team to 
introduce specialties, and rich in comedy lines and business. Very 
popular with college banjo clubs, etc., as a novelty stunt. 

KISS ME, CA M I LLE!— Blackface novelty, by Wade Stratton; 
2 males, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. Horatio, the dramatic 
teacher, finds Lucinda a promising pupil, and they rehearse love 
scenes with enthusiasm. But Luke McFluke, his other pupil, 
doesn't take kindly to the course of training, and the instructor is 
sadly out of luck. The blackface travesty on "Camille" is a scream. 

THE MYSTERIOUS SUITCASE.— By Arthur Leroy Kaser; 2 
males. Time, 15 minutes. Sam has to carry Harry's grip, and 
both negroes have a laughable time trying to keep the mystery 
from leaking out. The fact that they stop to rest near a cemetery 
also gives Sam cause for serious thinking. 
T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, 623 S.Wabash Ave., Chicago 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free 



FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 
Price 25 Cents Each 

M. F. 

All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 
Aunt Harriet's Night Out, 35 

min 1 2 

Aunt Matilda's Birthday Party, 

35 min 11 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 30 min... 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 

Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 
Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 

Class Ship, 35 min 3 8 

Divided Attentions, 35 min... 1 4 

Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 

Getting Rid of Father, 20 min. 3 1 

Goose Creek Line, 1 hr 3 10 

Great Pumpkin Case, 35 min.. 12 

Flans Von Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 

Honest Peggy, 25 min 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

Tust Like a Woman, 35 min... 3 3 

Last Rehearsal, 25 min 2 3 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 

Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 m. 3 2 

Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 

Paper Wedding, 30 min 1 5 

Pat's Matrimonial Venture, 25 

min 1 2 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Rummage Sale, 50 min 4 10 

Sewing for the Hea'then, 40 

min 9 

Shadows, 35 min 3 4 

Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 7 

Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 
Teacher Kin I Go Home, 35 

min 7 3 

Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min.. 8 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min. . 3 2 

Wanted: a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 
Watch, a Wallet, and a Jack of 

Spades, 40 min 3 6 

Whole Truth. 40 min 5 4 

Who's the Boss? 30 min 3 6 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 
Price 15 Cents Each 

April Fools, 30 min 3 

Assessor, The, 15 min 3 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 
Before the Play Begins, 15 

min 2 1 

Billy's Mishaps, 20 min 2 3 

Countrv Tustice. 15 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 25 m. 3 2 

Familv Strike, 20* min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min,, 5 



M. F. 

Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 

Lottie Sees It Through, 35 min. 3 4 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 

Please Pass the Cream, 20 min. 1 1 

Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 

Smith's Unlucky Day, 20 min.. 1 1 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 
Two Gentlemen in a Fix. 15 m. 2 

Wanted: A Hero, 20 min 1 1 

VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES 
Price 25 Cents Each 

Amateur, 15 min 1 1 

At Harmony Junction, 20 min. 4 
Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 

Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 

Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 
Fresh Timothy Flay, 20 min.. 2 1 

Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Hey, Rube ! 1 5 min 1 

It Might Happen, 20 min 1 1 

Little Miss Enemy, 15 min.... 1 1 
Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 
Marriage and Aftei*, 10 min.. 1 
One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10m. 1 
Quick Lunch Cabaret, 20 min.. 4 

Si and I, 15 min. 1 

Special Sale, 15 min... 2 

Street Faker, 15 min 3 

Such Ignorance, 15 min.. 2 

Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 
Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 
Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 

Umbrella Mender, 15 min 2 

Vait a Minute 2 

BLACK-FACE PLAYS 
Price 25 Cents Each 

Axin' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 

Booster Club of Blackville, 25 

min 10 '«. 

Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 2 
Coon Creek Courtship, 15 m... 1 1 
Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m.14 
Darktown Fire Brigade, 25m.. 10 
Good Mornin' Judee, 35 min.. 9 2 

Hungry, 15 min 2 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 

Memphis Mose, 25 min ■ 5 1 

Oh, Doctor! 30 min 6 2 

Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
What Happened to Hannah, 15 

min. 1 1 

A great number of 

Standard and Amateur Plays 

not found here are listed In 

Denison's Catalogue 



T.S.DENBSON& COMPANY, Publishers 623 S.Wabash Ave., Chicago 



POPULAR ENTERTA * 

Price, Illustrated Paper Cow.<x 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

IIIIIIIIIIIIII11IIIIIII1IIII1IIIIUIII1INIIIIII1IIII! 

015 825 871 7 # 




IN this Series 
are found 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 
A Partial List 
DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Country School Dialogues. 

Brand new, original. 
Dialogues for District Schools. . 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 60,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Original successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, original. 



Monologues Grave and Gay. 

Dramatic and humorous. 
Scrap- Book Recitations. 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prose, 
poetry. 15 Nos., per No. 35c 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Christmas Entertainer. 

Novel and diversified. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Sunday Schools. 

Dialogues, exercises, recitations. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 

Entirely original features. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

The Black-Face Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland, via the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly, Jester. 

Funn y stories, jokes, gags, etc. 

Large Illustrated Catalogue Free 



T.S.DENJSON& COMPANY, Publishers, 623 S.Wabash Ave., Chicago 



